That such internal environments are possible for individuals with dissociative identity disorder is well known and accepted in clinical and academic environments. For example, “The Haunted Self’ by Onno van der Hart, Ellert R. S. Nijenhuis, and Kathy Steele includes information about how alters can interact internally and sometimes never take active control of the body. Within this internal environment, alters may soothe each other or reenact trauma to cause subjective internal injury.
I have been for the longest time wanting to write about two subjects System meetings and Our Inner world. This poured out of me this evening, its a true account of a meeting that took place about three months ago. Every system and each individual alter had a different relationship with their inner world. Some cant access the inner world at all.
Turning my phone to silent I lay in the darkness and closed my eyes as I tried to access the inner world. I had called for a system meeting and needed to be there. Waiting a moment I felt my eyes straining against the bright neon light that I was stood under. I looked around at the bland grey walls and wooden floors and felt my shoulders droop as I wished it was brighter and more expansive.
However, the creator built it when the body was young. James felt that that it needed to be useful and practical. Walking towards the room at the end of the corridor I smiled at the doors that lined the expansive walk way. Each one concealed a private space for each Insider. One of the main rules was no one was allowed in a room without the individual insiders permission.
A door burst open on my left side and a pair small chubby arms wrapped around my waist as Jade crashed into me. I rubbed her soft brown hair and got down to her level. She had this amazing energy, I was convinced her diet contained only chocolate and E numbers.
“Hey Jade, you okay?”
“Sara says I have to go to bed! I wanna come to the meeting, I wanna see the bad boy being told off!” I was taken back with how green her eyes were.
“Who said that Jack’s getting told off?” I asked as she grabbed my arm and pulled me into her room. I was met with an explosion of pink and purples.
“Wow..” I scrambled for a moment to pay a compliment as I HATED pink with a passion. She bounced around the room, her pig tails flying behind her. “Your rooms very pretty.”
“Do you like my teddies. Look I have a snowy here to!” She held up a large white dog and hugged it close to her chest.
“That’s pretty cool,” I said smiling down at her. “Listen I have to go to the meeting. I will come and visit your room again soon.”
“Can I come?” She asked again, a serious expression setting on her face. I held my arms out and she flew into them. I kissed her head again and then untangled myself.
“Not today okay? We are going to be talking about some scary stuff and its pretty late. So do what Sara says okay?” She nodded and ran towards her bed.
After a few moments I was back in the grey hallway and almost missed the explosion behind me. I managed to make it to James’s office without further interruption. I tapped lightly on the door and waited.
“One moment,” A curt voice called out as I heard the scraping of a chair. Steady footsteps got louder and the door swung open. James was wearing a crisp white shirt under a green sweater vest, his long legs were covered in smart black trousers and his shoes were shiny and black. His black tie was front and centre. He had sharp green eyes framed with a heavy pair of black glasses and his hair was a light blond and parted neatly. His entire demeanour screamed efficiency. He wouldn’t be out of place running a business.
“Hey Boss, new tie?” James didn’t answer, just stared at me. “Ready for the meeting?”
“Almost. You go ahead, its the large doors to the left.” He shut the door in my face and I stared at it for a moment before I headed to the meeting room.
I entered the through the double doors and looked around. James had clearly built this as well, it was like a boardroom. Dream was already seated next to the top of table. She regarded me with a haughty expression as I sat at the other head chair. Her blond hair framed her perfect face as she looked away. We didn’t really have much time for each other.
The room filled slowly. James took the head of the table, bending his head low he listened to Dream whispering in his ear. His responses were curt and polite. Sara came in next, she patted me on the back, her hair tied up in a messy bun.
“Everyone is asleep,” she said softly. She took a seat next to me. Carole came in next she asked if I was eating properly, she only seemed content when I confirmed I was. She sat on my other side. Casius trailed in next, his eyes down and his fingers fumbling with the scarf he wore around his neck. Jodie came in next her face was beaming as she sat down.
“Where are the twins” Sara asked after a few moments of silence.
Jodie hesitated casting a glance at the door before she spoke. “Jack’s being difficult.”
“Of course he is.” James said curtly, shaking his head “No respect.”
Jack stepped through the door and the entire room tensed. His dark eyes scanned the room resting on James.
“You talking about me, Old man?” His face was livid and he was clearly spoiling for a fight. James was composed as he stared back.
“Jack there is a seat here for you.” Sara gestured to her right, Jack’s lip curled as he looked at her. Her kind smile faltered as she lowered her arm.
“I am fine here thanks.” He snarled.
“Jack dont-” Jaime pleaded.
My stomach knotted. This is why I had called the meeting, our system was divided and communication was slim. James ran a pretty tight ship internally whilst I tried to deal the outside world. James’s lips tightened and his shoulders tensed. Dream rested her hand lightly on his arm and he shrugged her off.
“Was this your idea?” Jack spat at me.” Trying to take control, I wouldn’t bother your useless.”
“Enough.” James’s voice thundered as he slammed his fist on the table. Everyone looked at him in surprise. James very rarely raised his voice, choosing to use a curt and cool manner. Jack smiled as he stared at him. “You are skating on thin ice.”
“I am not scared of you.” Jack stood his ground, looking at James. “What are you going to do? Lock me up!”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I will do,” James said evenly. “Hurt the body again and there will be clear consequences.”
Jack laughed his voice hollow.
“Fuck you!” He said as he walked out the room, Jaime got hastily and started to follow. She stopped at the door, her eyes pleading.
“Please don’t lock him up! Hes sad.” She said before leaving the room.
After an uneasy silence the meeting became underway and we hashed out a list of rules, trying to find a way to keep the body safe. Two weeks later Jack was contained after a serious attempt on the body.
I better stop there! There is more I wanted to write but, I can maybe do a second part next time.